Sattuu!
I do not want to talk to anyone. I dont Never ever want to speak up. I want to keep my mouth shut forever. I will never tell anyone anything about my life. It does not belong to anyone. No one can understand. No one can help me cope with it. This hurts too much! This is too fucking hard! I am dying inside all over again. I smile. I do my home duties like before, but i feel like I am trapped inside this robot side of me, who keeps on living like everything is fine. It don’t see me! Why cant I see myself! I am lost within this living corpse. I cant breathe, yet I keep faking to be alive. I feel like suffegating, and still I see myself working in normal ways. I am all alone in this misery of my past. I cant speak up. I cant ask for help. Cause everything should be just fine. Part of me is acting out our life. Is the perfect me. My sorrow has no place, has no time, has no consolation.
This is me in teenage years. One side of me is the nice girl, who is doing all the schoolwork while other is the slut, who has no self esteem. No pounderies. No worth as a human beeing. Who is a toy. Who is ready for anything. Whose body is others to use and I do not care a shit, what happenes to it. I deserve it. It need to punished. I am a hore, who takes the reward for her silence. And I cant hate anyone else but me. I cant hate the persons that I loved. I know, that should not be called love, but I do not care. I felt thst way. That was the best I got. So I needed it. I wanted it. I waited for it. I asked for it.I sort of begged for it. I kept it going. I did not even want it to stop, cause it made me feel special, I was perfect, for those little whiles I felt pretty, I felt like I was loved. I know it was not love, but I dont mind. I want to believe so. I need to keep thinking so. I csnt deal with anything else. I do know it was wrong, but I cannot hate neighter one of them. I know they are both sick persons, weak persons. But so was I. I learned to like it. It made me part of it. I feel so ruined. There is no innocense left in me. I have seen, feel, been part of the evil. I was part of that dirty, filthy secret. I cant take myself out of it. It is me. I am it. It was us. Us did those things. I cant understand, what means to be abused. We were together in it. I know I should feel hate, I cant. I can only hate myself. I have no worth. My own parents did not love me. They treated me like a property. I was nothing but a toy. I have no value of my own. I am good and pretty when I do what others want me to do. I cannot be touched without expectations. I can not be held just for consolation. I am too ugly, too filthy, too discusting. My pain wont be seen by anyone. No one can help me. No one really cares!
Sattuu! Olen yksin tän paskan kanssa. Haluan olla yksin. Haluan vaan unohtaa! Haluan päästä näistä eroon. En halua tuntea mitään. En halua yrittää ymmärtää. En ymmärrä. En käsitä. En pysty. Toimin autopilotilla vaikka joka soluni huutaa. Kukaan ei näe! Ei kuule! Minä hymyilen vaikka sisältä itken. En jaksaisi, muttei minulla ole vaihtoehtoja. En voi levätä, koska pelkään, etten jaksa nostaa itseäni ylös. Fysiikka pettää, on kuumeinen olo, mutten voi huilia. En luovuttaa. En voi vain olla, koska en kestä näitä tunteita. En halua kestää. En jaksa kestää. Ja silti minun on pakko.
How much do I wish that even a dim ray of hope would soon shine upon also this hurting part of you! Thou my case is pretty different, it was only today I found myself pondering something along those same lines.. I wish Northern lights to you, if nothing else! They are not the normal happy kind of a light and are surrounded by utter darkness – but behold how awesome and pretty they are! You’re the same: now flickering but so precious.
Tässä olitilassa on vaikeaa nähdä mitään hyvää missään. Tuntuu,ettei mikään mene läpi. Tunteet tavallaan kuolee jää vain tyhjyys. Mutta tiedän tämänkin menevän ohi. Ei siis hätää!