Be just fine!
Show must go on. My feelings aren’t allowed. Not even in therapy. This ia how I feel right now. I know he didn’t mean it like that. He tried to help me, but it worked totally different. Yesterday I get in touch with hard feelings about my second abuser. Those emotions makes me hate myself. Makes me wanna die. They broke me. Get me feel anxiety and numbness at the same time. I worked like a robot today and went to a therapy hoping I could feel and it would be just fine. He misinturbuted me. He propably thought I can’t handle my emotions and succested relaxation, witch I hate cause they make me surrender. But cause part of me always wants to be nice I did as I was told. I let go of the control and played along. As I did as a child. I needed to learn how to relax, how to stay still. How to stay silent. How to ”enjoy”. And I learned how to get ”out” of my body. I was in my mind feeling empty. Feeling numb.
Now I am filled with hate. Hate towards myself, cause I was again too nice. Not telling him, I do not want to do these exercises. I also hate him. Part if me is convinced that he can’t take my pains. He is tired of working with me. He just don’t want to admit it. He can’t help me. I am too difficult. Too frustrating to work with. I am too slow. Too stupid. I feel totally lost. I can’t rely on anyone. I can’t speak, cause it is too much. No one is willing to hear. Willing to help. Willing to stay with me on this journey to my feelings.
I know these are just one part of me toughts. I know by the next weeks therapy time I have probaply forgotten about these feelings. But now I am sad. I am mad. My feelings did not got listened. They were not allowed to be seen. I fucking hate the shitty therapy right now!
