Changing faces
I feel lost within my many sides again. What is true me? This all feels like me, but I can’t be sure. Parts of me hates each others. How can I feel one, when pieces of me does not fit together? There are parts of me missing. Memories are misty, no clear images are here to been seen. I wanna make myself believe this fasade of joy is all here is and the anxiety keeps getting more fuel, it is ready to burst into the flames. Ready to burn down all my rising awareness of myself as a hole person, who has multible feelings. I don’t want to fall into those indepented pieces again. I do not want to isolate my feelings to different units. I want them to work together. Why is this so hard? Why I can’t control my emotions with my mind? Why reasoning does not help?
This is stupid! This is frustrating! This makes me angry of myself. I don’t want to be this stubborn. I wanna be I good, nice girl. I wanna be real survivor. I wanna be over everything, but I feel like I am just faking it. I am a mess. I am ragdoll, who is so broken inside, but smiling still to hide it. And yet that smile is also part of me. It is not just a mask. At least not less than other sides of me too. They just keep falling over my face faster and faster. I feel like watching myself from a distance, not knowing what to think, what to do. I am lost within these emotions. No control what so ever. Still I live my life like a robot. I am on autopilot. Doing things I normally do. I jus can’t feel a thing. I am dead inside of me, mimicing my own feelings.
I know this will pass me by. I will get in touch with myself. I have a faith in myself, at least in thursday to calmness of my therapist will set me back in the right track. I am trying to accept this is what I am capable right now. No more. No less. I am alive and is is a great accomplishment, with my background. Or is it? Should I just have been able to get over it all already? Parts of me feels that way. Others think this is natural to be a mess. I do not know what to believe.
