Darkness in me
I am fighting to keep myself in the light side of my spirit. I had a discussion with my man, where he said that he won’t ne with me, if I was the kind of girl who fucks around. Well, I have been dreaming about having a fair. So would he really love me, of he knew?
I haven’t done anything, but part of me doesn’t even care of I did. That side of me doesn’t value anything. It doesn’t feel it is married. Cause it was my teenage rebel, who gives the middle finger to all these chains in my life. This side of me, just want to go and fuck with that hansom interview guy. This in me is nagging to my ear, who pussy I was to let him go, without even trying to seduce him.
This in me is masturbating and thinking of him. How nice! And this I had to accept se part of myself too. How to fuck I can do that? I hate myself for the se thoughts of mine. I feel discusting. I am a monster. And at the same time I am laughing at myself. What am I thinking? As if he would ever even go with me. I am an old bitch. Ruined by old men in early ages, real catch! Yeah. Like no one would ever actually want to touch me. What the fuck do I think of myself? Take a look in to the mirrow, please!
I was a hore, I was a limitless bitch. I could do that again. I could let myself go with these emotions. So does anyone really ever can love me? I have a dark side that can activate anytime. Will I be loved after that? Will the understanding end right there? Yes it will. I have had I perfect relationship for this side of me. It was a pure sex. No emotions. No detachment. He had a girlfriend to whom it was ok. We all spend some time together, and I know I don’t like women, eventhough in idea it can be exiting. On real life it was just acward. So no more that for me.
For me casual sex with someone I don’t really care about, would be easier. I won’t trigger me so much. This long term relationship is much more harder. Why is This? Why I have so much trouble with taking care of my man’s need than I would have with some stronger? I start to hate men, when I fuck with them. I start to feel superior to them. I start to enjoy the idea of control, but I will start to feel discusted about them. And that feeling will effect the whole relationship.
How to silence my dark side? How to embrace it as a part of me? How to calm it down, without letting it ruin me life? It would enjoy the situation, where I would be left because I fucked around. It won’t feel sad at all. But I know in other aides of me that would be a disaster. I reason to start selfhatred and selfpunishment again. This dark side of me, makes me fear of my own toughts. It’s careless attitude towards my family, is frightening. What if it takes control of me? I will be a monster!
