Open your eyes
Fuck, I just can’t get these flashbacks out of my mind. I am smiling while on my head I just scream. My hatred towards my own stupidity won’t let go. It sufficates me. Presses me Down on ny knees. I feel the pain and humilition. I just want to give up. I just want to be out out my misery. I am not a survivor. I am grippled girl, who never grew up. Who keeps dwelling in her shitty memories. I can’t find a way out of this labyrint of sorrows.
I hatemy fucking body. I want to skin myself. I can’t stand to feel myself. What kind of touch i hate? Every single kind! Even to most gentle one, makes me wanna womit. I an sick of myself. I hate these weakness. This fucking wining disgust me. What to fuck do I care anymore, of those shits? They where nothing. Just normal fucking. So what! I can’t say those words out loud, What a goward. What a baby. If I was born in muslim coutries. This all would have been considered to be normal. So why do I still suffer? Why do I still hurt? I just want to forget. Why is that too much to be asked???
I want to forget about my dad and that stupid neighbour Man. I just want to forget about the pain of not beeing loved even By my mother. I want to get over This. How can i help myself? How can i stand all of this? My head is overloaded. My body is burning and freezing at the same Time. I am tired of surviving. I am tired of feeling. I need ny dissociation to stay together. I don’t wanna loose my mind. Or part of me wants that too. It would be easy to let go of the control. Just care about nothing anymore. So tempting yet so distant. I hate to be This strong. And i like it too. I give a fuck of anything. Sadly This is only a tiny side of my multible personality. This can’t run others over anymore. The adult is in here too! Fucking anoying! Fucking stupid! I want to be left alone! I want to dwell on my misery! I want to hate myself. I want to hate them too. I want to fantasies about revenge! That ain’t pretty shot in the head or Time in prison. My revenge would be much more gruel but serves justice much better way in my sick little mind! Too bad, I have too strong controlling side in me. I have too much care for others. I hate this pussy myself!
